With the new FF7 remake in high definition announced, fans eagerly await the sight of Tifa’s boobs, which will be comprised of an impressive 16 million polygons with 170,000 different textures. Director Tetsuya Nomura tells us to “Look forward to the bouncing physics, as we have devoted an entire development team to programming them.” Women’s rights activists who complained about the gender stereotyping were told to “Sit on a buster sword.”
The remake will probably cost the usual $60 dollars, which is about $700 less than what most of us would pay for it.
Many fans are worried that they may ruin the game by changing the story. Developers addressed this concern by touting their new “Fluid Plot System”, which will allow you to import the FF7 fanfiction of your choice to play through in place of the official script. Nomura did warn that “some fanfictions were noted to cause nausea and/or vomiting and should only be played with the consent of your physician.”
In one noted improvement, Yuffie will be replaced by George W. Bush. Bush will now be a mandatory character and will be voiced by the former President, who is “excited to finally do something liberals will enjoy.”
The developers stress that the remake will follow the recent trend of allowing your player different moral choices with resulting consequences. “Whereas before you were forced to hunt down and kill the WEAPONs, you now have the option of doing that, or romancing them. If you succeed in wooing one of the WEAPONs you just might see a special scene just for adults!” It was confirmed that there will be a gay WEAPON to romance as well, although “your fashion sense will need to be leveled to 99 if you want to have any hope of success.”
The long summons in the game have been replaced by episodes of the Bachelorette. You will still not be able to control the outcome of the summon with button presses, but the developers note that “you can still pretend to.”